dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm jealous of your bromance
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
