Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
