An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
