Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
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