Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
