he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
