I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
