At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
