So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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