Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
