remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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