I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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