An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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