This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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