i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
