you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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