I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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