cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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