We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
