I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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