9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
