This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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