peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
