haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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