Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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