Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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