I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
