my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
