your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
