Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
whose ass print is on the piano?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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