ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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