I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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