The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
