just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
