You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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