U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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