Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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