who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
