trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
50% drunk capacity currently
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
