Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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