im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
