I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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