Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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