My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
