i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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