I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
