I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
