Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
