cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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