need another drink. this is the easiest way
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
