Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
